On Girlfriends and Thesis Guides

Chaitanya S Guttikar *

This article describes the uncanny congruences between the way a
relationship develops between a boy & a girl and a Grad student & his/her
thesis guide. We assume that the graduate student is from Mathematics/
Physics departments or other departments where he/she is not already
associated with a thesis guide before he/she joins the Grad school. For
the anologies between such adviser student relationships and arranged marriages, see [G].

To make the anology clear let G denote a (possibly prospective) thesis
Guide or a prospective partner and let S denote a grad student/boy/girl who
wants this person G as his/her guide/partner. For simplicity, we will
assume that G is a female and S is a male throughout this discussion,
although, the reader can easily varify that the analysis given below
applies to all possible sex combinations of G and S.

The data** reflects that the process goes approximately like this:

Step 1: S gets impressed by some/all aspects of G and decides that
this is the person of his dreams and starts flirting with the idea of
approaching G.

Step 2: S soon realizes that he lacks the courage. G is too good for
him. Decides to become a stud in whatever way he can (e.g. by aquiring
knowledge of 'n' number of things) so that G will be impressed or at
least will pay attention.

Step 3: S has no clue what exactly will impress G since G is just too good.
Another person S', who has been through this process and has got a G' of
his dreams, counsels that S is already impressive enough and if he doesn't
at least start "flirting" with G, he will never have a chance, especially
because there are so many other S" dreaming about G...

Step 4: Taking the counsel, S gathers up courage to start flirting with G.
As he enters the room, G is sitting there, possitively impressive.
In a very courtious and friendly manner, G smiles. S tries to smile.
Then some discussion takes place which S cannot remember afterwards.
All he remembers is that he was dumb and didn't know what to say to most of
the things and still G didn't seem to be as annoyed as he had expected. May
be, this sort of encounter is a rountine for G... But alteast, G said
"we could meet again sometime". There is still hope.

Step 5: Then follow many meetings in which G and S get to know each other
better. S realizes that, though G is very impressive and still the person
of his dreams, G is still human. And that they seem to share the same
excitement about certain things and that .....

Step 6: Meanwhile, S has also started flirting with other G's. After some
time, he decides that a particular G is better than all other Gs for him
and decides to go ahead with this particular G, keeping the other Gs as
fallback options. From now on G will denote this particular G.

Step 7: Still, S doesn't have enough courage to "propose". What if G is
just being friendly and doesn't have any other intentions. meanwhile, G is
wondering,"When is this guy going to ask me ? I have been giving so many
hints that I am going to say 'YES', but he just doesn't understand. We
could get down to more interesting/practical things once we have sorted
this out."

Step 8: Social pressures*** start building up on S. He cannot procrastinate
any longer. He has to do it - Now or Never. He decides that he doesn't
want to do it when there are many people arround so it's best to ask G if
S could come to G's room sometime... G says "YES anytime, How about
tomorrow at ..." Anxiety has reached it's climax when S enters G's room.
G is sitting there, smiling as usual. S is in no mood/state to smile.
Marshalling the very little of valour that is left in him, he fumbles
"Will you be my ....". A second passes in which G, who was reclining in
the chair gets up and goes to the cabinet. S sees it as if everything is
happening in slow motion, why is G taking an eternity to answer, I am
going to burst in a moment if he doesn't answer, I am sure it's a NO, but
say it, let's get over with it... G turns, (very slowly according to S),
and says "YES ofcourse". S is not sure if he heard correctly. But he did.

Further Directions for research:

Although the dynamics of the process of both these processes is by now well understood, an analysis and
satisfactory explaination of why these congruences exist, is still lacking. It could lead to a better understanding of
both the species "Girlfriends" and "Advisers" and bring some predictability and order to the situation.

* This paper has been inspired by very useful discussions with Louis-Pierre Arguin and Sairam Subramanian.

** A sample of 20 graduate students from Math/Physics departments
of various graduate schools arround the Continental USA was used. The male
to female sex ratio in this sample was 14:6 so the results represent the males
better than the females.

*** The term Social pressure represents one or more of the many contraints that
shape a graduate student's life, e.g. Funding, girlfriend, girlfriend's parents, ego and
self respect etc. For a more exhaustive list, refer to the appendix I at the end of [SG].

References:

[A] Arguin, Louis-Pierre, "Flirting - A new Definition and examples" .
Princeton Journal of Graduate Student life, 2003.

[AG] Arguin, Louis-Pierre and Guttikar, Chaitanya S., "On Wine, Women and
Wisdom", Preprint, arXiv.HS.2003765545.

[G] Guttikar, Chaitanya S., "Ph.D. guides and their students in certain
engineering disciplines and congruences with Arranged Marriages in India",
Journal of South Asian Graduates' Association (JSAGA), December 2003.

[GS] Guttikar, Chaitanya S. and Subramanian, Sairam, "Social Pressures, and how to cope with them."
published by Society for the Welfare of Grad Students Getting Married and Just Marrieds (SWGSGMJM), May 2003.

Mothers !

Here is a peice of a standard conversation that takes place between an Indian Mother and her "child" in the US doing his/per Ph.D.

C: Hallo Aai*

M: Hallo, Have you had dinner ?

C: No. I just came back from the dept. Now I will cook some dal and eat.

M: It's neccessary that you have dinner on time. It's not good for your health to skip
meals. What did you have for lunch ?

C: Buffalo wings and salad and an Apple.

M: That's all ???? (Silence for 2 seconds) You should eat more. This is too less. You work so hard...

C: First of all, I don't work as hard as I should and secondly I don't need more food, Aai.

M: Yes you do. And you need more food. You have become so thin.

C: In fact I am in perfect shape. I never felt more fit.

M: NO... You need to eat more. And take enough rest. You need rest.

C: I don't. I sleep for 7 hours already.

M: But brain takes up a lot of energy. So you need to take rest and and eat chocolates or Almonds or Cachewnuts while you are working.

C: Aai... Can we talk about something else ? How is the construction work at our new house going on ?

M: It's going well. It will be over in another month. We didn't install the bathtub that you had asked us to because baba thought that it was not necessary, at least for now.

C: And how are your tutions coming along ?

M: Quite well. I am enjoying them. Oh that reminds me. The father of one of my students is visiting NewYork and he said he could visit you. So I am sending a leather jacket and a sweater and a pair of handgloves with him. It must be getting awefully cold there.

C: Oh no........ Aai.... Why do you do this. I don't need leather jacket. I have many jackets and it's anyway good to wear more layers than just one big fat jacket. And I don't even know this guy that you are sending the things with. YOu shouldn't do that. Mainly because it's not needed..........

M: You do need a leather jacket. Aarati's sister, who stays in newjersey was here a week ago and she was telling that a leather jacket is absolutely neccessary in winter. And this is guy offered to take those things himself. I didn't ask him.

C: So what... Aai I am telling you I don't need the jacket. So don't send it if you haven't bought it already.

M: No, I haven't but you do need it and Baba* and I are going to buy it in the evening and the person is going to collect it tomorrow morning when he comes to drop Tejas off for the tutions.

C:..............................................

M: Have a proper dinner and then go to sleep in time.

C: okay..... Should I hang up now ?

M: okay. Bye and take care, Son.

C: Bye Bye Aai.

Surely, Neccessity is the Invention of all Mothers !

* Aai = Mom, Baba = Dad

The Canal and the Canoe

Today was the day for a canoe trip down the princeton canal. Oh, wait a minute... When I say canal, are you thinking about a dull and ugly brown water body carrying all the grime and grimaces of poor people and industrial waste let into it by powerful businessmen blended into a homogenious poison eating everything that came it's way like a boa constrictor let loose (Well even it won't eat everything). Then think again... Because this is the Delaware & Raritan canal running through the rich (both economically and ecologically) neighbourhood between (obviously) Raritan and Delaware with a tow path walking beside it like a boyfriend with an arm around his girlfriend's waist. A perfect place (and today a pefect weather too) for Canoeing, Kayaking and Rafting.. We entered it from the Alexander street entry and went all the way down (it's down steam but it's towards north) till lake carnigie and the Route 27 entry/exit and back. It was great fun. History tells me that it was built in 1834 for no recreational purpose but as a means of transport and mules used to pull the rafts floating on the canal with big loads on It walking along the tow path. (Now you know why it's called the Tow path, hmm) But now it would make a really romantic date to go with your girl canoeing through the fall colours, savoring blue nun (it's a wine you pervert !) and talking about colors and water and photographs and painting and violin and flute and moonlight and many other things...

Surely, you are all criminals Mr. Feynman!

I have discussed this with friends so many times - How could the great scientists like Feynman and others live with the burden of an atomic bomb weighing on their conscience or was it that they realized how horrible the effects were only after the bomb was dropped ? This email from Prof. Shivshankar of Chennai Math. Institute answers it quite aptly. (The excerpt is from another book)

Life Cycle of a theoretical physicist

This is funny. And quite close to the truth, if you have ever studied Quantum Field Theory. Read it till the end even if you don't understand what the person is talking about...

On Bhel, Samosa, Wada Pav, Cutting Chai etc.

What is the first thing one feels like doing, after months of starvation and undernutrition at the hands of university food services ? Of course, you feel like having a nice hot and spicy wada pav with a cutting tea at a bus drivers' canteen. So that's what Hoga and I did as soon as we got the chance. So here we were, eating samosa and wada pav and sipping a cutting chai (although slurping would be a more closer description of the way you are supposed to drink boiling tea making those "phluuurrrrrr" sounds) at the foodmall (well not quite a busdrivers' canteen but close enough) at 3 am in the morning. I followed this up with a session of Kanda bhaji (Onion Dumplings) and Mirchi bhaji (Green Chilli dumplings).

And while eating all these snacks we were discussing what else we are going to eat once we reach Pune - Things like Bhel, Sabudana Khichadi, Bedekar Misal, etc. And I did eat all these things on the same day that I landed in India. It was just great. Although, it must have been a tough job for my stomach to digest everything that was being pushed into it.

Do I appear to be a gluton ? I have become one after going to the US... NO NO. It's not "The american food" that's made me a gluton. It's the almost complete and forced abstenance from Indian food that has done it. Do you find this weird ? Then I am sure you are not from a family where your mom and dad cook all sorts of wonderful things for you and you just don't understand how great chefs they are and you eat Bhel, pani puri, samosa chat and Kachhi dabeli almost every evening, complaining about how it is becoming more and more expensive (from Rs. 3/- per Dabeli to Rs. 4/- per Dabeli) till one day you find yourself standing in front of a food counter in the Frist campus Center in Princeton, trying to figure out what would taste less boring now that you have consumed everything on the menu at least 10 times already, day after day. Then you will know what I am talking about...

The Surprise that was Home!

I don't know what was more heartening.

Was it the brightest expression on Amya's face with eyes popping out like lemons and mouth agape, dumbstruck with surprise, as he came arround the garden fence to give me a rib-crunching hug and damned me with some of the most creative explatives that I have ever heard in "Amchi Marathi"

Or the speachless happiness with which Aai and Baba looked upon me, as I stood at the door of our house with my luggage, as if they didn't want to reduce the intensity of the moment by saying silly things...

Or the frenzied cry of hamma followed by "I knew you would come, I knew you would never miss my wedding no matter what...I knew it." as she collapsed in my arms crying her happiness out.

Or the most beatiful laughter of recongition and appreciation granted by Shama Tai, Ashwini and bakul to the biggest surprise they had ever received.

Or the colourful beads of pearl revealing anger, surprise, betrayal, love, relief, satisfaction, pleasure and end of struggle, and, and, and I don't know what. Those were the teardrops in Shweta's eyes. The only thing she could say the whole of that afternoon that we spent together was, "You are evil! That's what you are you know..."

Truely, to be loved and missed, and to be able to know it so intensely gives you an intoxication better than any narcotic.

I knew it would be a great experience but I never would have imagined that the surprise that I had planned to give to my friends and family in India, by coming home without announcement, would be a memory so satisfying and ego-boosting...

Drink Cognac !

If you're frustru and you know it, drink Cognac.


If you could not watch THE GURU, drink Cognac
If frustration starts to accrue, drink Cognac.
If the graphs are highly random,
You're stuck with a conundrum,
just sign ONE memorandum,
drink Cognac !

If your tax refund is pending, drink cognac.
If you have no bucks for spending, drink cognac.
If nervous breakdown is near,
and torment is severe,
no vodka and no beer,
drink cognac !

If you feel highly nostalgic, Drink Cognac.
you need a strong antalgic, Drink Cognac.
If the generals are at hand,
and you don't understand,
what's NOR gate and what's NAND,
drink cognac !

If you know prisoner's dilemma, drink cognac.
if you can't prove Fatau's lemma, drink cognac.
If you're fined for a book,
that you never took,
don't give me that "f*** y**" look,
drink cognac !

If your paunch is quickly growing, drink cognac.
If your love handles are showing, drink cognac.
You feel the need for slimming,
you do a lot of gymming,
after that tiring swimming,
drink cognac !

If you're happy and you know it, drink cognac.
If you know you're not then show it, drink cognac.
If you don't have any sorrow,
I have some you can borrow,
So see you today or tomorrow,
drink cognac !

If the night is clear and warm, drink cognac.
if you're stuck in a thunderstorm, drink cognac.
if it's spring or autumn season,
the trees are pink or crimson,
you don't have one good reason ?
drink cognac !

Spring or Fall ?

The spring has started in Princeton (the spring break is over) and it seems it's the Fall season for girls, as many of them have started shading their clothes and showing their colours. The campus suddenly looks full of smooth legs and bare shoulders !